My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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