i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
