Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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