when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
