onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
