hotel room ftw
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
