My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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