You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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