Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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