I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
