Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I faked an abortion last night.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
