i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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