Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
