And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
