basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
He has the fingertips of a God
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