My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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