if you like me you must not know who I am
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
