he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
