Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
do herpes really smell.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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