God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
