Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Can I color on your dick again?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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