You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
i think my cat just said my name.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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