There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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