I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
