I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
