We're facebook friends in real life
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
