just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
