the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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