And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
