look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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