so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
