yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
