Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
