His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
My breasts were aching with rage.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
