Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
