; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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