I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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