Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
