remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
