babies were throwing up all over the place
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
