I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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