I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
