i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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