I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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