You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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