I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
