Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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