I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
