my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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