Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
