I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
