She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
