If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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