So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
