Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
